The Soft Lounge Blog

Comparative Americana: Fast Food Edition (w/LOLz)

So as I mentioned in my St. Louis post, there was a whole bunch of a Fast Food joints along the one stretch of road between my friend’s house and the main highway. That got me thinking: There are just a few things that are truly American-that we as Americans do well. One of those things is the fast food burger. Realizing that out West there are a ton of places above and beyond my usual Wendy’s, Burger King and McDonald’s I made it my mission to try a few new Fast Food Places to see what all the hubbub is about. I went to Hardee’s, Carl’s Jr., Jack-in-the-Box and a little place called In-n-Out. My personal trainer will be so proud. Pictures and thoughts after the jump!

First up is the Hardee’s Double Monster Burger in St. Louis MO. Clocking in at around 2/3 lbs. with Bacon, Cheese and Ketchup (and Fries) my friend thought “I dare you try and eat that.”

As you can see the burger stood no chance. Nor did the Fries. Everywhere out here goes with the really thin fries, which kind of suck. I prefer either the thick Wendy’s fries or the restaurant style fries, or they are so baked in animal fat like McDonald’s as to be irresistibly eatable. As for the burger, very good. Very filling, thick juicy and not processed. I feel bad for the poor sons of bitches that had to wear the old chef hats-but the food was good. Right up there with any other burger I’ve eaten. Felt very full afterwards.

Carlz Jnr iz nawt so Gr8 aktualy.

If you look at the history of Carl’s Jr. you’ll see that they now own Hardees. The star is a dead giveaway too. Don’t be fooled though. This burger is not nearly as good as its siblings. Crappy fries, lean burger-this was much more in the low end McDonald’s end of things than anything else. CJ bought Hardee’s and it’s apparent why-cuz their burgers suck.

Jack in the Box:  Now it may be that my understanding of JITB is colored by the fact that, when I was a kid, there was an E.coli scare at Jack in the Box and a bunch of them were shut down.  Now at the age of 16 I really had no idea what E. Coli was, nor had I seen a Jack in the Box-I had just heard comedians and comics make fun of the Jack in the Box food-including the Kevin Meaney phrase “I make the Jack Sauce…”

So I might have been predisposed to hate this burger.  The fact is I did.  Two bites in I felt like someone had put cement in my stomach and watered it.  Two more bites (i was really hungry…headache hungry) and I felt like I might never eat out again.  Heavy, burnt, crumbly-every thing you don’t want in a burger, the Jack had.   Quite possibly the worst I’ve ever had ever.

There it is-most of it is still there, it’s just deep in the bag and covered because of its shame…

The other dare was that I couldn’t finish the In-N-Out Double Double burger.  Now this is the one that everyone who’s spent more than 20 minutes in California has said “OH my God you so totally have to go to In-n-Out burger.  It’s like the best ever, OMFG.”  Which of course is the other way to set me up to hate it-when a million people say you have to love it.  I have a real “Emperor’s New Clothes” thing about that.  But I ordered and I ate…

And it was pretty damn good.  Now, it may have been the hidden Bible passages on the packaging, and I didn’t get into the “secret menu” at all but there must be something about making a burger Fresh from order and using real meat that makes it good.  Fantastic.

Not 5 Guys fantastic or anything, but pretty damn fantastic.  Going to the board, I’d kind of put them in this order as far as food (not over all experience necessarily)

Five Guys, In-n-Out, Wendy’s, Hardee’s, Burger King, McDonald’s, Carl’s Jr. and then Jack in the Box.

Of course the real answer to the question of which Fast Food restaurant to go to is “none, if you can help it.”  Especially with the Mexican food in California-there really is no excuse.